Dating Diary

Dear Dating Diary,

When you ask a friend to bail you out, make sure they give you a plausible story.

Blind dates are the worst. Opinions are vastly different. What may seem attractive in my eyes isn't necessarily what someone else would go for... as was evidenced on this particular occasion. A work colleague took it upon himself to set me up with a guy he knew. His stats sounded pretty good. Tall, athletic, good looking, social, all positives. The only sticking point was his occupation of 'Car Salesman'... If I've learnt one thing recently it's that Car Salesmen suck harder than Neptune's salty balls. It was a sign flashing violently in my face that i casually chose to brush aside.

The night arrived. Legs shaved, face on, outfit approved. Check. As i left i jokingly forewarned my housemate that should i need bailing out, i'd send him a text saying 'Red Squirrel'. I didn't think it needed further explanation.

As i drove up to our predetermined meeting place, i could see a guy in the window. He looked expectant, but nothing like the description i had. Of average height, he looked more familiar with Domino's deals than dumbbells and a far reach from what i'd consider 'good looking'. It surely wasn't him, it's not like i had wild expectations... but no one could exaggerate that much... could they!? He spotted me, there was an awkward hand gesture and then he started making his way outside to greet me. Balls, it was him. He'd seen me, i couldn't even do a drive by. Shitters.

It was awkward. Quite obviously chalk and cheese. His social skills were... lacking. Now call me what you will, but for me, if there's no initial physical attraction it's already a no go. I've been on my fair share of dates with guys to scam a free meal, gig tickets and whatever else... but at least there was something i actually liked about them, even if my intentions weren't long term, i still talk to some of them. Right then I'd much rather have been barbecuing and drinking with the guys and girls at home that i actually liked. It was a definite Red Squirrel situation. In my mind, i was doing him a favour. I didn't want him wasting time and money on me because i knew right there and then that i would never be seeing him again, it seemed plausible. So i sent the text... and then came the call.

Me; Hey, what's up?
Friend; I'm stuck.
M; You're stuck?
F; I'm stuck... in the oven... and... it's on?
M; (trying not to laugh) What...
F; Yes, you must come back immediately. Breaking Bad is on and I can't get out.
M; Well, that's an issue isn't it. Have you called the landlord?
F; He's probably watching Breaking Bad.
M; Of course he is. I'll be as quick as i can... stay calm.

Luckily he couldn't hear what was actually going on at the other end of the phone and i quickly made up some lame ass story about a pipe breaking and flooding my room. I promised i'd be in touch as soon as i'd sorted it. Okay i lied, i had no intention of ever calling him, but it left him with hope and not complete rejection. He seemed genuinely concerned, and even offered to accompany me. Not gonna lie, i felt a bit bad by how seriously he was taking my soggy news. But just a bit, the rest of me was starving and really wanted a chicken kebab and a rum pineapple... so off i went, and that was that. Heartless bitch.

Countdown to Christmas

Two weeks! Two weeks till friends gather, garish jumpers are a la mode, wine is mulled and i conceive my very own food baby. Stand back Mary, i'll show you how it's done, the only divine intervention i need is this divine pile of french toast.

With a lot of my friends and family still in Ol' Blighty, Canada post is playing a rather large role and leaving an even larger hole in my pockets this Christmas. Well and truly raped by the snails that deliver it. With post taking it's sweet ass time to be delivered, it means i've managed to wrap up my shopping in record time, and hopefully everyone will receive something by... next Christmas. No manic rush on the 24th for me, i'll be chilling with my good friend Mr Jerry, munching on beige foods and preparing my pants with elastic waistbands for the annual onslaught they must endure. Breathe through the carb barrier, breathe!

My housemate and i arose Sunday morning slightly worse for wear from our 'couple of quiet drinks' the night before... vague memories of free shots, misleading bathrooms and big hunks... of the nougat variety. Evidence was still strewn throughout the house. It was all conducive to a very festive and largely housebound day indeed. We baked gingerbread, made decorations, filled our diaries with party plans and dressed up our magnificent tree. As far as trees go, witness the fitness, he's pretty much the Ryan Gosling of the tree world. Hey girl.

Let the countdown commence, only fourteen sleeps before everything you just bought gets reduced by half!

From Brooklyn with Love

Let's drive to New York City, cause we totally can! Montreal is closer than you think, so that's what we did. A visit to Wendy's, a lot of radio flicking, an awkward moment stuck at a toll both with no cash, and a toilet stop later, we arrived in beautiful Brooklyn.

Reconnecting with wonderful friends, exploring the markets and familiar streets, and eating... lots of eating was the overriding flavour of the trip. It was refreshing to remove myself from any current life affairs for a few days, turn my phone off and simply enjoy great company. We've become a WiFi dependent generation, myself definitely included! Progress in technological devices is astounding, i'm all for it, but sometimes it's just nice to get back down to basics. Looking for somewhere, ask someone. Lost, read a map. Talk to people, make new friends, let's be personable again. In my experience, you find the best things when wandering aimlessly.

A few busy days laughing, Cronut hunting and turnstile dodging, and with some very successful new purchases in hand, it was all too soon time to head back through the mountain pass to belle Montreal. A trip that will most definitely be repeated, and extended, in the not so distant future. New York, we love you.

Dating Diary

Dear Dating Diary,

Let me introduce, Scary Dave. Not technically a date (in my mind) but still noteworthy.

The day started out much like any other Friday, last day of the working week, relief, let's kick start this weekend. Lovely. I arranged to meet a friend at a bar after work, a casual sort of affair. By the time i got there, several people my friend knew had arrived and were getting drinks in. I joined, introduced myself and went about the obligatory preliminary banter. Nothing unusual, all very standard with a side of salted chips. One by one, people start leaving for one reason or another, and eventually my friend had to pop off as well, leaving me and a guy called Dave.

Dave was pleasant enough, not in anyway physically attractive to me i must add, but still a generally nice guy. Since we both still had drinks, i agreed to stay and carry on our most exciting of conversations about rocks. I'm not even trying to be funny, we were in fact talking about rocks and a variety of other equally fun topics. His amazing rooftop view from his apartment included. I actually kind of like rocks of the geological variety... closet geek. Rocks rock my socks. Anyhoo, we finish our drinks, it's still early so he asks if i want to take a stroll around the area since i was pretty new to it. He'd show me a few cool places etc. I had no reason to suspect this as anything other than a generous offer and away we went...

As we wandered he enlightened me with his knowledge and opinions of the area. All very nice, until we ended up outside his apartment... he made an excuse about needing to get a book he'd borrowed or something of that ilk. Again, i honestly had no reason to suspect any different, it's not like we'd walked out of our way to get there. He invited me up to wait, meant i could get a gander at that rooftop he'd been bashing on about.

There i stood at the balcony edge, admiring the view, which was indeed very nice. I hear him approach from behind and suddenly, hands appear on the wall either side of me. He had me trapped like a gazelle! I felt his hot breath on my neck, everything inside me went rigid and i started to feel all kinds of clammy. I tried to shimmy to the side like i hadn't noticed, instead of retracting his hands, he just moved them to my waist, span me around and went in for the kiss. BAM. I dodge his misplaced lips and sloth grip like a god damn ninja. I made it explicitly clear that i was NOT interested and hot tailed it to the door. That's as far as i got before once again, he had a hold of my arm. I turned to see tears welling up in his eyes and through quivering lips he uttered 'I'm sorry, please don't go. I really like you. Can we talk about things. I want you to stay, we can figure something out, i think this could be the start of something'.

Just to recap, i'd known this guy approximately 3 hours by this point.

I repeated that i just wasn't interested and made my excuses to head home. Again and again he tried to convince me to stay, even as i'm edging down the stairwell and onto the street. Finally i'm out, i tell him to calm down and go inside, which he does. He wipes his face and disappears back up the stairs like a sulking puppy. Thank fuck that is over!

Walking home I notice a text I've missed from Twat Features that he must have sent among the earlier commotion. 'What you up to?' I hadn't replied of course. Just then he sends another 'i bet you're with another guy'...FML i really don't need this right now. You want me, you don't, you wan't me, you don't!!?? Fact of the matter was, yes, i was indeed with another guy, but i couldn't have wanted to be further away from him. Luckily i'd made my escape, everything was peachy again until...

SCARY DAVE COMES RUNNING DOWN THE DAMN STREET LIKE AN EMOTIONAL WRECK SCREAMING MY NAME!!!

Flabbergasted at this guys determination to humiliate himself i stood there stunned. Embarrassed. Please just stop this now! The street was hardly quiet, and needless to say, people were staring at the drama bomb that was exploding before them. Again, he started regurgitating emotional diarrhea. It was a hot mess and i didn't want to be apart of it. This time i wasn't so calm, i lost my shit, found it again, and forcibly rammed it down his throat before walking away... and that's how it ended. How to break a man in 3 hours, complete. Please proceed to next level.

The Tale of King Triangle

I'm standing a the bottom of a lush, grassy hill. The sky is blue and distant mountain peaks tease the clouds. Colours are vivid and the air tastes sweet. The silence is broken by tiny feet running down the green slope in front of me. They are shapes. Yes, shapes. Green triangles, pink hearts and purple diamonds. All about knee height, faceless with small black arms and legs. They guide me up the hill in a hurried frenzy. At the top stands a log cabin, straight out of Bob Ross land, they usher me inside... and there he stands. King Triangle. Bigger than the other shapes, an impressive isosceles, he asserts his power over the smaller shapes with his bejeweled staff. He to is green and faceless, a gem encrusted medallion hangs around his... neck?

He hands me a key and tells me to free the dinosaur... okay. I exit the cabin and survey a beach below me at the toes of the hill. As i walk closer i see a cage, within which is indeed, a dinosaur. An Iguanodon to be more precise. I approach but a figure blocks the way, it is non other than Captain Pugwash. Of course it is. He has an angry face, frown lines and everything. I attempt to amuse him by singing a sea shanty which he enjoys very much. Unaware of my motives and my natural European affinity for liquor, he invites me for a bevy. Swashbuckling. Needless to say, i drink Mr Pugwash under the table and free the dinosaur. Pretty anti-climatic if i do say so myself.

I make my way back up the hill once again, where the cabin now stands empty. Beyond the cabin is a sort of river. A river in a blue gutter on stilts. Sort of like a slide, but without the sliding aspect, it flows horizontal, raised above the ground in a wide blue gutter. Within it sit row after row of little pink hearts. Motionless, they simply sit and float down the lazy river. I jump in and join them. The river flows onward and is now 40 stories above what looks like a lake. I peer over the side of the gutter to see two guys and a rocket standing in the middle of the water below. They beckon me and i jump over the edge... and that`s it.

This was a dream I had ages ago, if anyone could shed any light, that would be nice.

Trust is Blind

Boys are, without meaning to sound like every other sob story, indeed a conundrum. At least recently more than ever. It's no secret that my experiences with the male specials have been... peppered with drama. I don't like unnecessary drama, so why do i seem to attract it. Like a rabid dog. I'm not a fan. Go home.

My friends would describe me as a no shit taking, straight talking, smart, lovable bitch of a girl. And i'd like to agree with them. They mean an awful lot to me. I attempt to guide them with wise advice, i love some of them more than what is probably considered healthy and our conversations are even more unsound, but i'll be the first to tell them if they're being a twat. Brutally honest some may say, but i like it like that, keeps things transparent.

Throughout life people will no doubt try and take advantage of your kindness and generosity, i admit, I've been a victim fool. However, i have learned from my mistakes and i won't do it again. Wrong. I lied. Well, mostly wrong, and i can't be the only one. My mum calls me a hard nosed bitch, I call it my business face. I won't let myself be taken advantage of in work or social situations, but that doesn't mean i'm not helpful when it's needed. It just means i will NOT get that Ripple from your drawer after you called the girl sat next to me from the room next door, to ask her, to ask me, to get THAT finger of rippled chocolate from your desk and deliver it to your pursed lips. NO. Go choke on your over-sized scrunchie! ...In real life, i did end up getting that damn chocolate bar from her drawer and delivered it with a smile like the elf i am. But not before throwing the bastard on the floor and making sure it was well and truly shattered. Loathing in every piece, enjoy.

With all of this said, why, really why, on earth did I let this boy i liked piss on me like a top attraction at the fair. You know, it's not a fun game. It's actually bloody awful. Not just that, but i knew it was happening! And still, i sat there, in a pool of insipidly warm, foul smelling piss. If it was happening to any of my friends, my advise would be simple, give yourself a shake, cut him out and walk away. So why, again WHY, did i let it happen. I'm not lonely, i'm not wanting, i'm definitely not in love but this particular boy, Twat Features, gained something not many do. Trust. It's not something i readily give away, usually reserved for those i know of a similarly abstract mind and the famjam of course. It's like i'm looking at a puppet of myself through a glass wall of obscurity, banging on it frantically, but puppet me seems to revel in this unsanitary affair.

It's all cringingly pathetic and vom inducing, i need a good hard hoof to the face. Luckily, i have several other distractions in life and i'm trying not to let this episode get me down. It's a sizable entry in the drama diary. There's so much to enjoy out there and it's beyond stupid to let one persons selfish ways stop you doing that. So, don't let them. Rip that hook out of your mouth and move the hell on.

I ♥ MTL

In February of this year I packed what I hadn't purged on Ebay into a couple of bags, very heavy bags, waved goodbye to loved ones and moved my life from England to Montreal. Inspired by a friends adventures, a recent visit and my overwhelming feeling of not belonging where I was, I made the move. And what a good move it was.

Festivals, food, culture, beauty, i revel in it all. Pot holes, Tam-tams, poutine and language police, are just a few of the quirky things that make Montreal a little different, and i'm totally down with that. I love this city and i'm growing very used to the idea of calling it home. Besides, I've bought too much stuff to consider moving again any time soon.

Eight months have flown by. I have a job, i have new friends, i have a whole drawer dedicated to woolly socks and i have done a fair bit of exploring. Not to mention a few new entries into the dating/drama diary. I share a lovely apartment, in a great neighborhood with my wonderful Australian friend. We've already shared a lot of adventures, ice cream and 'Montreal Moments', and i hope we have many more.

Throughout the vastly changing seasons the city stays positive and upbeat, it's an awesome feeling and it's contagious.

Thanks, Montreal.