Dating Diary

Dear Dating Diary,

When you ask a friend to bail you out, make sure they give you a plausible story.

Blind dates are the worst. Opinions are vastly different. What may seem attractive in my eyes isn't necessarily what someone else would go for... as was evidenced on this particular occasion. A work colleague took it upon himself to set me up with a guy he knew. His stats sounded pretty good. Tall, athletic, good looking, social, all positives. The only sticking point was his occupation of 'Car Salesman'... If I've learnt one thing recently it's that Car Salesmen suck harder than Neptune's salty balls. It was a sign flashing violently in my face that i casually chose to brush aside.

The night arrived. Legs shaved, face on, outfit approved. Check. As i left i jokingly forewarned my housemate that should i need bailing out, i'd send him a text saying 'Red Squirrel'. I didn't think it needed further explanation.

As i drove up to our predetermined meeting place, i could see a guy in the window. He looked expectant, but nothing like the description i had. Of average height, he looked more familiar with Domino's deals than dumbbells and a far reach from what i'd consider 'good looking'. It surely wasn't him, it's not like i had wild expectations... but no one could exaggerate that much... could they!? He spotted me, there was an awkward hand gesture and then he started making his way outside to greet me. Balls, it was him. He'd seen me, i couldn't even do a drive by. Shitters.

It was awkward. Quite obviously chalk and cheese. His social skills were... lacking. Now call me what you will, but for me, if there's no initial physical attraction it's already a no go. I've been on my fair share of dates with guys to scam a free meal, gig tickets and whatever else... but at least there was something i actually liked about them, even if my intentions weren't long term, i still talk to some of them. Right then I'd much rather have been barbecuing and drinking with the guys and girls at home that i actually liked. It was a definite Red Squirrel situation. In my mind, i was doing him a favour. I didn't want him wasting time and money on me because i knew right there and then that i would never be seeing him again, it seemed plausible. So i sent the text... and then came the call.

Me; Hey, what's up?
Friend; I'm stuck.
M; You're stuck?
F; I'm stuck... in the oven... and... it's on?
M; (trying not to laugh) What...
F; Yes, you must come back immediately. Breaking Bad is on and I can't get out.
M; Well, that's an issue isn't it. Have you called the landlord?
F; He's probably watching Breaking Bad.
M; Of course he is. I'll be as quick as i can... stay calm.

Luckily he couldn't hear what was actually going on at the other end of the phone and i quickly made up some lame ass story about a pipe breaking and flooding my room. I promised i'd be in touch as soon as i'd sorted it. Okay i lied, i had no intention of ever calling him, but it left him with hope and not complete rejection. He seemed genuinely concerned, and even offered to accompany me. Not gonna lie, i felt a bit bad by how seriously he was taking my soggy news. But just a bit, the rest of me was starving and really wanted a chicken kebab and a rum pineapple... so off i went, and that was that. Heartless bitch.

Countdown to Christmas

Two weeks! Two weeks till friends gather, garish jumpers are a la mode, wine is mulled and i conceive my very own food baby. Stand back Mary, i'll show you how it's done, the only divine intervention i need is this divine pile of french toast.

With a lot of my friends and family still in Ol' Blighty, Canada post is playing a rather large role and leaving an even larger hole in my pockets this Christmas. Well and truly raped by the snails that deliver it. With post taking it's sweet ass time to be delivered, it means i've managed to wrap up my shopping in record time, and hopefully everyone will receive something by... next Christmas. No manic rush on the 24th for me, i'll be chilling with my good friend Mr Jerry, munching on beige foods and preparing my pants with elastic waistbands for the annual onslaught they must endure. Breathe through the carb barrier, breathe!

My housemate and i arose Sunday morning slightly worse for wear from our 'couple of quiet drinks' the night before... vague memories of free shots, misleading bathrooms and big hunks... of the nougat variety. Evidence was still strewn throughout the house. It was all conducive to a very festive and largely housebound day indeed. We baked gingerbread, made decorations, filled our diaries with party plans and dressed up our magnificent tree. As far as trees go, witness the fitness, he's pretty much the Ryan Gosling of the tree world. Hey girl.

Let the countdown commence, only fourteen sleeps before everything you just bought gets reduced by half!

From Brooklyn with Love

Let's drive to New York City, cause we totally can! Montreal is closer than you think, so that's what we did. A visit to Wendy's, a lot of radio flicking, an awkward moment stuck at a toll both with no cash, and a toilet stop later, we arrived in beautiful Brooklyn.

Reconnecting with wonderful friends, exploring the markets and familiar streets, and eating... lots of eating was the overriding flavour of the trip. It was refreshing to remove myself from any current life affairs for a few days, turn my phone off and simply enjoy great company. We've become a WiFi dependent generation, myself definitely included! Progress in technological devices is astounding, i'm all for it, but sometimes it's just nice to get back down to basics. Looking for somewhere, ask someone. Lost, read a map. Talk to people, make new friends, let's be personable again. In my experience, you find the best things when wandering aimlessly.

A few busy days laughing, Cronut hunting and turnstile dodging, and with some very successful new purchases in hand, it was all too soon time to head back through the mountain pass to belle Montreal. A trip that will most definitely be repeated, and extended, in the not so distant future. New York, we love you.